So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
this hospital has no fireball
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
