My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
