the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
