Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
