i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
