my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
