My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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