I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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