in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
