my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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