I wish my penis had an off switch
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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