i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize