You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Houston, we have a squirter
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
