I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Randomize
