I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
