Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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