meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
