I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
