dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
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you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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