Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
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