A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
