she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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