Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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