So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
