i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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