My sheets look like a crime scene.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
