Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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