dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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