i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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