Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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