the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
