No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
