here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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