I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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