Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
