I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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