I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
