he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
