By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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