i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
