If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
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Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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