I think my fart just growled at me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
