I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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