The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
