I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
