This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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