I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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