i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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