I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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