i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
