He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
