i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
