she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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