Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
